You know the feeling.  The one where you think that if you say what you really want to; the thing that is actually true in your heart; that you’ll hurt someone’s feelings.  So, you tiptoe around and try and find a way to say it without hurting them.  You in turn end up saying anything but what you needed to say.  The other person is protected from your words, and you have begun rolling up a ball of yarn that will take forever to untangle.

Even if you don’t know the feeling, I do.  I am one who will go to great lengths to protect other people.  I’ve hurt myself more by thinking that I need to be “agreeable”.  I am so exhausted from telling myself that what I feel is wrong to spare the feelings of somebody else. Yep, I’m a people pleaser.  I don’t want to be.  I should worry less about others and start considering the pleasing of myself. The nurturing of my own soul.

But can one ever truly be happy?  I am always drawn to a sign in the corner when visiting one of my favorite sandwich shops.  It reads “The gap between more and enough never closes.”  That strikes a chord.  I look around my cluttered living space at the things I’ve developed “attachments” to.  Things that don’t really mean anything, and that I can’t take with me when I move from this life to whatever’s next.  Always searching for the next best thing.  Feeling joy at a new kitschy token, only to tuck it in a box a few months later to never look at again.

This thread may have gotten a bit off target.  The objective began as trying to persuade the audience that people pleasing is bad, but the way in which we please ourselves could be just as bad.  One thing that I have done, and am proud of is the fact that I have made good friends.  I may not have “a lot” of friends, but I have friends that I know would be there for me if I needed them.  I hope that I have been there for them.  I feel sometimes that I am not a good friend.  That I don’t have enough in my cup to fill someone else’s.

Well, I hope to start writing more.  I hope to be able to continue to do it for myself.  I don’t write to impress others, but more to relate to them.  I know that when I have gone through some of my more difficult times; reading a story or listening to a song about someone else going through the same thing always helped me.  To know that I wasn’t alone, and that others had made it through what seemed insurmountable to myself at the time.

In closing, I am going to be more honest with myself and others.  I will not filter my words because I think they are not what is wanting to be heard.  Hopefully in this way, there will be more growth.  I will find that maybe by voicing and not censoring, I will say what needs to be said and hear in return what needs to be heard.

Enjoy the error of your ways!

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