I’m trying not to get sick and vomit all over my new life.  Things have changed for me over the course of the past year.  I am, for the most part, happy with those changes.  There are other things that I crave.  Quite a bit of my time lately is spent shaking off the damn thoughts of:

“What might have been…”

Yeah, those thoughts are rather unwelcome, waste my time, and leave me feeling down.  These thoughts explain the opening sentence to this blog.  They fill me with nausea, they make me feel as if I’m missing out.  I’m not missing out on anything.  I am living a rather full and happy life.

  • I have two amazing children who challenge me to be a better person at the same time they fill me with love and joy.
  • I have a career that I enjoy and do well.  It allows me to work in a place where I am helping others and learning new things.
  • I have everything I need to survive.  I never go without.
  • I have fantastic friends and family who teach me how to be stronger and smarter.

I’m fighting to focus on living my life in such a way that I am grateful for all that I have.  That I’m not just hoping or looking for the next best thing.  It is a definite struggle to live that way.  To be fully in the present.

How can I let go of the things that make me feel unfulfilled and focus on the joy that I experience each day through my children, work, friends, and family?  Is there ever a time when it is acceptable to perseverate on those things?  It does make me work harder to try and be the person I believe I should be to achieve the goals I’m wishing for.

Maybe it’s the silence that comes in the quiet evenings, where all I can conjure are thoughts of things that have brought me sadness.  Things that were supposed to make me happy.  Things I should have done differently.

I am unsure in this moment.

 I am realizing that maybe the words I have to say don’t matter.  I am ruminating on the best way to share what’s inside of me.  Who out there could benefit from my view?  Is it a mistake to believe that I even have a voice that needs to be heard?  I feel a little short sighted in all of this “blogging”.  What is it that I want to put out into the world?

True to form, however, it is in these moments of uncertainty where persistence must push you forward.

Writing is essential to me.  It is a way for me to heal and learn.  Reading my own thoughts is a surprise; bringing a realization of how much I needed to say.  It sifts out the chaos and pastes it onto paper with a clarity that could not be achieved in my head alone.  The question is in knowing if it needs to be shared.  “Share away.”  I say to myself.  Find strength in writing the words, and letting them go.  Flowing out into the world with the reality that you have given them.  Let them come alive.  Until next time, enjoy the error of your ways.

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